I know this is far gone from a normal blog update lately, however today I am committed to try and let you in on what is going on.
As I am sitting here in my yet again empty office with nothing else to do, except entertain my lack of amusement, here is my attempt to dig deep:
After a strenuous Taebo abs boot camp workout last night, the big bulky Billy Blanks said during one of his encouraging pep talk:
"Remember, in the military you gotta lose yourself to gain some."
Then he went on, in a rather lousy attempt to explain himself, only to continue to say something along this line:
"Getting into an exercise program, sometimes you can't do it by yourself, if you ever want to give up, you'll quit. You have to lose who you are as a person. What do I mean by that? I mean you CAN DO IT, but you can't do it unless you lose yourself! If you lose yourself, you'll reach your goals!"
Ok, I do this exercise video perhaps twice a week and a continuously I hear his "so called" pep talk. It wasn't until lately that I took what he said to thought. It makes me wonder if he is referring to the ideals that with anything there has to be a support factor, thus in his point of view, "buy my video so we can do it together!"
Or is he referring to the fact, that within all endeavors, that are strenuous (which I do admit, his workout video kicks my ass every time), require a form of reestablishing the basic foundation that you once thought structured your fundamental self identity as a person?
Then it makes me think of how this could pertain to my service here in Moldova. I can't exactly call life here strenuous, but sometimes life here (for me) is vigorously tiring. More so my first year. The constant thinking and evaluating and comprehending did do my brain its own workout session. Even now, the balancing act of knowing what is acceptable in another culture is still a workout, I have to force myself into, and mostly I tumble upon the knowledge via mistakes. But that is okay, I am learning.
Therefore, I think Billy Zane is right, in whatever terms or level he was referring to, I take away from his message that I sometimes need to leave my standards, my expectations, my rules and regulations that I once thought were so black and white, my roles in society, my definition of all that stands for justice, my out look at how the world function, behind me. I do need to lose myself. All that I once knew, to relearn and be open to what is, most times redefining my perspectives.
A couple of days ago, I reread a journal entry from exactly last year this month, and I realized how much I've made a turn around. I am not by any means, a different person, I am still the same me. I am, though, a better person. That I can say for sure.
In my last journal entry I wrote elaborately about my personal growth. I complain heavily sometimes about not seeing the impact in my service here. I forget to look inside and see the personal developments, in which I've gained. It's okay that I came here to give, but ended up coming out of it more selfish in that Moldova, Peace Corps, Moldovans, my Moldovan life gave more than I can give it. That is ok. So ok.